The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
