i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
