I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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