as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
