If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
