Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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