Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
