I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
