The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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