i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
it glows. i had to have it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
