i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
