It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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