I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
