So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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