Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
