As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize