And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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