my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
