After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
