is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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