I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
