if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
