i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
