I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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