And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
