if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
