nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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