um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
