Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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