idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize