Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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