someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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