Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
