you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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