Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
