Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
