3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
