Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
