no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
