you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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