i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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