I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
