I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize