i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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