just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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