I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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