my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
whose parrot is this?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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