i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
