i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
