well I can't set my house on fire every night
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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