just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
