my phone needs a breathalizer
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
