First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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