im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
