He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
