Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
