More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
