If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
