the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
