so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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